1.1. Stay centered and do not polarize

Whenever conflict erupts, the first human reaction is to play the ‘blame game.’ This unfortunately results in name-calling and endless arguments that never get resolved. People find themselves tyrannised by ‘either-or’ instead of embracing the genius of the ‘And.’

Staying centred and not polarising means parties involved in a conflict are able to hold on to their views whilst giving those holding an opposing view permission to do the same. This is not about converting others or forcing them to change what they are and assimilate to the dominant view. According to this suggestion there are no protagonists or antagonists, all parties ought to have a single idea in mind, which is resolving the conflict. Therefore self-restraint is a good quality to exercise whenever people holding two opposing views find themselves having to converse and come up with a solution. For example, Jeremiah, a high school deputy principal found himself in volatile conflict situation whereby his leadership style was severely criticised by educators and general school staff. Instead of being defensive, he allowed the complainants adequate space to voice their concerns. Jeremiah’s reflection of the conflict resolution is as follows:

 I found myself at one stage during the session being shot at and hammered with complaints, rage and blames, but to a certain extend I have caught their drift and realized how tough my leadership style hits on my subordinates and colleagues. 

1.2. Maintain contact

This suggestion implies that conflict does not have to end in estrangement or animosity. Parties can maintain contact while taking a break from the heated tension. Stepping back from the conflict, for a while, can give each party involved space to reflect and evaluate their point of view. As they come together again they can utilize dialogue as a way of connecting with each other. This skill, once harnessed, can allow parties to come out of the conflict with a third or even fourth perspective.

William Isaacs (1999) argues that most of our human conversations are based around discussion, which essentially means ‘to break apart,’ instead of being centered around dialogue, meaning ‘through the word.’ This was demonstrated in one of the communities in Kwazulu Natal, South Africa, whereby for a long time human relations were characterized by animosity and hatred. One of the community leaders, Jabu, decided to maintain contact with all residents regardless of political differences or past disagreements. When asked how she did this she said:

 I started attending my opponent’s family events, especially funerals. My friends could not understand why I was doing this. They were concerned about my life saying that people might poison me. But I told them that we couldn’t be controlled by fear forever. We need to reach out to one another in order to build our community.

 1.3. Recognise the existence of different styles

Conflict can be resolved quicker if both partners can recognize the existing different management styles. This is where the need to become aware of the self and of others arises, thus giving each party the opportunity to be authentic and voice their opinions from the heart.

Whenever people from different cultures, age groups, and sexual orientations come together, there potential for conflict is heightened. This occurred at a school leadership camp whereby educators from a Soweto school had to conceive a development plan along with 12 grade 10 learners. During the planning sessions an outspoken male learner assumed responsibility to facilitate the session whilst the educators participated in the brainstorming session.

During the session, two male educators were seen to be whispering to one another and also using a vulgar language. This action was seen as disruptive to the process and the young facilitator confronted these educators. This confrontation was perceived to be disrespectful by the two educators, as they did not expect the young learner to have the courage to confront them. The challenge of age played a major role here, as these two adults did not know how to handle this young man who was now asserting himself as a leader. During the mediation session they said: “We don’t know why we are here. We are much older than these young people and we deserve to be respected.” The young learner responded to this statement by saying: “Look, when we arrived here we were asked to establish some ground rules. And one of those rules was that we must refrain from using vulgar language. The only reason I confronted my educators was that they were breaking our agreement. I do respect them. But I feel they also need to respect us.”

 1.4. Identify your preferred style

Whenever people are caught up in a heated conflict situation, differences manners of response may occur. Some people may opt for avoidance whilst others may want to tackle the issues head-on through direct confrontation. For example, Tumelo, founder of a fledgling training and development company prefers to avoid conflict whilst Devon, his associate trainer prefers a confrontational style. These two opposing styles can sometimes fuel frustrations between these two colleagues as they are not aware each other’s preferred style of handling conflict.

 1.5. Be creative and expand your style repertoire

 Human beings have the inherent capability to think creatively. This quality can be useful even in a conflict situation, especially when the situation seems too complex to resolve. This is essentially about finding solutions outside of the normal frame of reference. In a conflict situation, creativity allows us the opportunity to explore ways to come up with unconventional solutions, which we may not have been able to conceive if we remained rigid to the way we have always done things.

James, a foreman at Quasigovernment Company in the Northern Cape, South Africa, found himself dealing with a workforce that could not work cohesively. After attending a conflict management workshop, he initiated a new way of making everyone feel welcome in the yard. Every morning he would make the effort of greeting his colleagues with the expression of “LOVE.” At first, the workers battled to embrace this action, however, after a few sessions, the whole workforce had bought into the new culture.

 1.6. Recognize the importance of conflict context

 

Conflict often occurs in a particular context at a particular time and place. This means conflict is not only confined to the interpersonal context only, it is also determined by the historical, social, economic, and political contexts. For example Balebetswe, an educator at one of the high schools in South Africa, had been accused as being moody and difficult to deal with. During a mediation session, she eventually opened up and spoke about how she has felt rejected by her school leadership and fellow educators. She mention how when her husband died none of the school staff attended the funeral and how when she was sick no one came see her at hospital. This situation highlights the importance of analyzing the context wherein a conflict occurs. In this instance, there is a cultural context, whereby there is an expectation that when one is mourning the loss of a loved one, his or her colleagues ought to give ongoing support and even attend the funeral. Since this was not done, Balebetswe held a grudge against the school leadership and her colleagues, which lasted until this day.
Sometimes people’s actions cause unnecessary conflict because they did not take the context into consideration. Understanding the context can help in framing the conflict within the cultural, social, political, and historical environments in which it happens. For example, Sandile, was buying an item at Chinese shop when he overhead the store owner calling his assistant who is black with the term “Boy.” This situation enraged Sandile so much that he had to confront the storeowner, and demanded, “Why do you call this grown man a boy? Don’t you know his name?” In this example we see the historical and political context at play, where someone who has disregard for where South Africa comes from as far these factors are concerned, can run the danger of finding him/herself in the thistles of a complex conflict situation.   

1.7. Be willing to forgive

Finally, it is important to consider forgiveness when resolving conflict. This human quality has transcended historical contexts and culture. This means letting go of – not forgetting- feelings of revenge, as Martin and Nakayama (2007) put it. The cliché “Forgive and forget” has been used loosely by many South African in as far as the country’s apartheid past is concerned. Our experience, though, has given us a different picture that although people can forgive, it is often difficult and even impossible to forget.

At the same time forgiveness is a quality that is integral in our human existence. Whenever people battle to forgive others, they end up affecting other areas of their lives such as their physical health. And most importantly, their relationships suffer as a result of their unwillingness to forgive.  

Sources Consulted

 

1.     Isaacs, W, 1999, Dialogue and the Art of thinking together, A pioneering approach to communicating in business and in life, Doubleday

2.     Martin, J.N, Nakayama T.K, 2007, Intercultural Communication in Contexts, McGraw- Hill International Edition